My next therapy appointment isn’t until the end of the month. When I talk to my friends, I’d rather just give them a brief update of what’s going on and then listen to them about their lives because I don’t want our friendship to just be an unloading of my exceptionally bad crap. But I’ve got to talk some of this out and so I’m gonna bust here for a minute.

I need a clone. I’ve had an 8 day migraine that is still hanging on because I need to sleep and rest. I used to be accused of not knowing how to take a break….well I DO freakin’ know how. Thing is, someone has to man the ship while I’m down. And there isn’t anyone to do that. So I can’t rest and the headache goes on. I’m jittery from Excedrin and coffee and my sleep is crap. See the cycle going on?

So while I’m working, what am I doing? I’m running a business. One that ebbs and flows and right now is flowing hard with major deadlines due this week and a major meeting out of town on Friday that needs preparation. I could easily be putting in 12 hour work days doing nothing else. Of course, that would require child care, of which there is little, and maybe no headache or jitters.

And the kids are going nuts. One of them colored on the walls. We live here because the doctor, in his infinite wisdom, thought that having two other adults around would mean everyone is supervised and happy. Nah…my dad says, “Um, someone is coloring on the walls”. WELL STOP HIM THEN! Don’t come freakin’ TELL me about it! But he does. And my 12 year old whispers, “It’s YOUR job to stop him Mom”. Well no freakin’ shit. I’m well aware that I’m supposed to be a full time mom and a full time business owner and to never get sick. While I’m obviously becoming more stressed, they opt to go out for a lunch date and leave me to it, rather than offer to take a kid with them or scrub the damn wall themselves.

So to combat the jitters I ran and worked out the other day. It helped *alot*. My stress level dropped way down and productivity afterward shot up. I tried it again today. Only today’s schedule really can’t accommodate an hour or two off so I can run and the kids can swim. But it NEEDS to accommodate it because they need some time out. And my parents are playing their “deaf and mute” game…going about their day ignoring us unless it’s to notify me that there is a problem, which I then am expected to drop everything to take care of. We got to the Y and the childcare room is closed for the day. The pool is crammed with daycare kids. We had to leave.

I get that I need their help in order to get everything done. I get that the doctor thinks I need their help. I get that most grandparents are helpful and that the doctor isn’t crazy to expect these ones are the same. I get that they’re tired. I get that my migraines only show up during extreme stress and need rest in order to go away. I get that I sometimes need to rest. I get that my kids need an attentive mother who provides some structure to their days. I get that I have to really sell all that homeschooling curriculum and walk away from that dream because life demands it. I get that my business will fail without professionalism and regular hours where my client’s needs are met well. I get that if I don’t make a go of this business we will be homeless and never independent. I get that I can’t be all things to all people. I get that when it comes down to it, I’m expected to be all things to all people. I get that healthy people are able to recognize when they need a break. I get that I saw that and came up with a good strategy to to deal with it. I get that my strategy is thwarted and I’m probably pretty unhealthy because life doesn’t care that my strategy failed and went on anyway.

I don’t have any brave words today. I need a pressure valve. I need to be human for a few minutes instead of some kind of super-hero divorced single mom who’s “handling everything so well”. I need to feel like all this shit is going to pay off with some kind of hope for the future because all I see is hard work, damaged kids, high gas prices, neighbors begging for work, men who ignore that I’m commitment shy and don’t want to be pressured, an ex-husband who is always going to be difficult and manipulative, doctors admonishing me not to be depressed when life is frankly QUITE DEPRESSING SOMETIMES….does it ever stop?

Sigh. Back to work. It doesn’t really do any good to talk about it, does it.

********

“We interrupt this extremely self-centered fest of griping and loss of perspective to report that the writer decided sanity was more important than any deadline. She took a half hour to talk to a close friend who gave her great encouragement and then, after her smallest boy went down for his nap and the mentioned parents returned from their lunch, headed back to the gym for a full work out. Having returned, she is calmer and feeling a bit more capable to put one foot in front of the other, towards whatever unknown destination is before her. Now back to your regular scheduled programing”