I was reminded of this over the past week. I have a very good, very special friend out of town who has been a sort of miracle in my life. And here I’ve been spending more time nurturing friendships, two of which could become dating partners if I were so inclined.

But I’m not.

Having an emotional, stressful week was draining. It was also a helpful reality check.  I don’t really want to co-habitate and let someone new come into my most vulnerable moments. I am very unsure I’ll ever enter another legal commitment again, and if I did, it would only be for the very sweetest, mystical communion.

It’s nice to spend time with someone and then come away. It’s nice to have a room of one’s own, even if it’s temporary housing in a camper. It’s necessary (yet still nice) to “just” have work and children to focus on, and the occasional management of parents.  Do I really need more right now? No.

So I’ve been wearing this ring on my right middle finger since November and I looked at it often this week: I am first “married” to me. I am committed to my health and wellbeing, safety and happiness. I am committed to the healing of my children and the space they need to acclimate to this new life.  I’m glad I have great friends along the way to unwrap and discover and enjoy. It’s fun having “men friends” (as I call them) and I’d like to quietly watch where that special friendship heads, with it’s protective layer of safety via physical distance for now.

But those boys should not forget: that I’m serious when I say I’m not interested in commitment right now. That I’m serious when I say I can’t imagine another wedding or legal document binding me to him. I’m married to me, my own best friend, my own soul mate.

I reserve the right to add to that, when the time is right.

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